It is ok to let go of something that will only cause me more pain in the long run.
“The heart wants what the heart wants, for reasons the heart can not understand”, is a quote that has helped me stay strong. I first heard this quote in the movie “Princess Diaries II: Royal Engagement”. This is a quote that has carried me through most of my life.
To one person in particular, this is for you. I’ve held these thoughts in for so many years and I feel it is ok to finally let them out. You have had no idea how much your presence both in and out of my life has affected me and who I’ve become. I think it is finally time to let you know the truth.
As kids, we were inseparable. We spent as much time as we could together. I loved you before I even realized what love truly was. I thought I'd found a forever friend, and for many years it was true. I was constantly there for you through our childhood, teen years and now bit by bit as adults. I’ve been there for you through anything and everything and you broke me. You broke me in so many pieces, that my heart questioned how I would ever get the feeling of wholeness back.
I blamed myself for years that the friendship kept ending out of nowhere and without reason. I felt like I was the one that was at fault every time we stopped talking. I kept asking myself, did I do something wrong? Did I say something wrong? Did I miss something? It hurt like hell to be friends with you for only a week, a few weeks or a month, preparing my heart for when you’d leave my life again. At first, I couldn't figure out why you would abandon me. Later, after countless chances and heartbreaks, I began to slowly realize that it is who you are. You go in and out of people’s lives, mine included, without realizing how much it affects us.
No matter how many times you left, I always took you back with open arms, knowing deep down that you would keep disappearing. You took advantage of me and the friendship I had to offer and kept hurting me. I let you keep hurting me because I didn't want to think of the possibility of the friendship completely ending. I was just fooling myself.
No matter how hard I tried to be your friend, and keep you in my life, you saw me as an option. You saw me as a friend, only when it was convenient for you and only when you saw fit to take time out of your "busy life". Did you even bother to remember I exist?
Your inconsistency just about killed me emotionally and it still does today at certain times. I felt like I could never let my guard down and fully trust anyone again because of what I’ve gone through.
I actually grew numb to the pain and then became angry at myself for caring about you at all. It makes me sad to think that I put you on a pedestal and made you into someone you’re not, even if it was only in my mind. It hurt to realize you aren’t the friend I longed for, nonetheless the friend that I needed. You weren’t there for me. I kept thinking that you would change, but you never did. Now I realize you probably never will.
Because of the pain and the fear of being hurt again, I’ve only let certain people have a deeper glimpse into who I really am and who I want to be. I’m working through the trust issues that I’ve dealt with. I’ve lost the friendship that I valued almost as much as life itself and, at times, it is almost unbearable. Over the years, I’ve pictured myself having a face to face interaction with you and finally explaining how I feel, while trying not to cry.
I pictured myself asking you: Where do you get off treating me like this? How can you act as if I don’t exist, when I’ve shown you nothing but true friendship? How can you think that it’s ok to treat anyone like this? You didn’t even know you had this deep of an impact on me, did you? Was our friendship a game to you? Was everything you’ve ever said to me, a lie? These are only some of the many questions that have been burning in my heart.
People have tried to get me to stop caring about you because of the pain they’ve seen me live through. For a long time, I didn’t ever let their words sink in. I didn’t want to hear the truth- that you’d never care the way I do. I didn’t want to live with the hurt of knowing I’d never have the friendship with you that I tried so hard to have, no matter what I did. I heard people say to me, over and over, that it was time to let you go, but my heart just wasn’t ready at that time.
I don’t know if anyone’s heart is ever fully ready to accept that a sacred person to them isn’t who they expected, or that the friendship will never be what they wanted. I know I sure as heck wasn’t. No matter how you treated me, I took you back. I cared so much about you that in the beginning, I didn’t even realize that I was only hurting myself. But now I am finally starting to feel content, and am slowly moving on with my life.
I gave up a lot of my time, energy and prayers for you. Many nights I stayed up praying for your safety for hours, even though I hadn’t heard from you.
Praying for you and being there for you isn’t something I regret. I only regret not realizing the truth about you sooner. I regret that my heart blinded me from the truth for so long.
I’ve slowly regained my sense of worth back by the grace of God and through the help of others who truly appreciate my presence in their lives. I’ve only grown wiser and stronger. I’m grateful that I understand now, that I deserve better, and that it is ok to let go of something that will only cause me more pain in the long run.
I wanted to let you know, that even though we’ve gone our separate ways, I will never forget the good memories. However, treating you the way you treated me isn’t something that I can do. It isn’t in my nature to be that spiteful and I’m ok with that. I’ve gone through the pain of losing you a lot, but not even that pain, has ever fully stopped me from caring about you. I still think of you often and want nothing but the best for you.
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Letting you go is one of the hardest, most painful things, I’ve ever had to do, but this is the only way I will find peace in my life. I’ve learned to value myself and not settle for anything less than what I deserve.
Sincerely,
The Girl Who Finally Said Goodbye